so where do i begin...

probably with the fact that I feel bad. Both emotionally and physically.

Physically, i found a lot of problems happening since Khenedii was born. Anemic. High Blood Pressure. Possible Thyroid problems. But the kicker is the Hypokalemia or low potassium problems. Honestly, reading about the side effects makes me feel that I have had this problem for years but it only recently was aggrevated by pregnancy. This condition is scaring me the most because everyday i feel the side effect of it. my mobility is slow and i can barely move because of the cramping. It scares me to think that this condition could cause my heart to temporarily stop or mis a beat and then what? while i am here, alone with the babies? And the other problem is that looking up the causes, I don't fall under any. WTF? So why am I loosing potassium? Then the anemia and its got me feeling sluggish. I am taking my meds again, however I don't feel any real improvement. I'm just nervous I guess. But the biggest problem was that this morning, I had an episode with the 'stress indigestion' as i call it. It doesn't come on from something I eat, but it just happens...and i can't get rid of it without tony putting hot cloths on my chest and a heating pad on my back and squeezing... craziness. but i have alot of fear associated with it because before, when i didn't know the cause or how to treat it, it had me stuck in the house, afraid of everything...all foods, activity..everything. and the feeling i have when my chest hurts is like that of feeling like you're slowly exploding... God i can't go through that again. So i'm anxious and stir-crazy to find out what's going on with me... i don't want ot have to be so sick that i have to do another hospital stay... and this time.. i don't get a cute baby to go home with as a prize.

Emotionally, that problem is very different. in the good... it seems that being pregnant this last time and having physical issue changed my mood about things. I now walk around with a 'fuck it' attitude which for the most part is helping to reduce my stress. Someone sueing me? Rents due? Not enough work? Need something done? Fuck it! It will get when it gets! I can't move any faster. I really had to adapt myself to that way of thinking...especially when i got out of the hospital. i did something and probably popped a stitch...because i had massive pain afterwards...  But emotionally, i was on a roller coaster. I had several days of regret for the decision to tie my tubes. From what I hear, its understandable and normal to feel that way... but still every here and there i feel anxious and crazy and regretful about the decision. It's crazy because ...i know i'm done... i don't want to go through pregnancy again. it fucks with my health so bad... and everything i'm going through now... geez... its tiresome..  but slowly i tend to forget about the regret and i feel better about the decision day by day.

Now the post partum question... what's funny, i think instead of having negative post partum feelings about my baby, i'm having them about my 10 year old. his personality and behavioral issues effect this family so strongly that the other day I actually caught myself thinking of a place to send him away. Technically his problems aren't that bad...i've heard of worse...but that doesn't make the situation and less challenging. His academics and his attitude as he is starting to become a teenage... his driving me up the wall. So now as he does the little things he does, i find myself really disliking him and not wanting to be around him. That sux for my own kid. I believe its temporary...as that my emotions are still crazy and I guess I'm venting all my frustrations (that i never dealt with because of him) out on him... Ha, beat that Dr Phil!!

so despite all the other things that are going on right now...i had an idea to write something to keep myself busy.

I got an email about the Kawaii Kosplayers.com website. The company that I registered it with wants to cancel the dot com because I really don't want to pay $35 to renew it. I'm really on the fence about it and the number one reason is because of the attitude and treatment I received from alot of the voice actors I contacted about it. I keep mentioning it, but I've never stated any specifics... I feel like if I did, then I would be bad-mouthing them...even though what I'm saying is the truth as to my experience. Yes, there's always the way of changing names, I guess that's doable. However I wasn't really planning an all out story just a blog dedicated to it. I want to get it off my chest because it was a bad experience, one that bugged me about making new friends and showing appreciation for someone's talents.

I have to start by saying that this whole blog is made from a hormonal state...so it probably will sound whiney!

I just gave birth to baby Khenedii!! Yay...and as where I should be extremely happy that the rough pregnancy is over... I'm not totally. In all honesty... I miss it. If Pregnancy were I drug, I think I would be addicted...mainly because of all the strings that go with it. In a nutshell... when I was pregnant...that was the one time of my life that it was okay to be...myself. Your bitchy and hormonal? That's okay your pregnant. Your fat, hairy and unattractive? That's okay, your pregnant. Being gassy, bloated, irritable, slow and weak has never been sooo easy. And its the time that people are nice and understanding to you. Even in the hospital, people care more and your rushed to get service.

So it's the overall package that I miss. I mean the outcome is also fun... a baby in the end... but it is very stressful having to bring another person into the world. It's like if you could be 5-6 months pregnant for the rest of your life...then cool. As I type, it sounds funny to me... because I am remembering all the complaining I was doing right before she was born. I was achy and huge and I hated not being able to be myself. The indigestion and sickness... it wasn't fun... but I don't understand it, when It's gone... I really miss it. Probably because I was pregnant for such a long time that I became use to it... 

Anywho... what can I say..yes another preemie...but this time... happily she wasn't that much of a preemie. They would have discharged her early if it wasn't for the jaundice. So I'm happy to know that I managed to keep her in long enough.

The other thing that's bothering me is the decision to tie my tubes... Yep... no more babies...ever. Leading up to the procedure... I felt good about it. Okay this is TMI, but the idea of finally being able to have sex with my husband and not be freakin' worried about where I was in my cycle was getting damned annoying. And the biggest thing that bothered me the most was that I know my body and I know and could feel that I was craving sex more when I was ovulating. So viola... more babies... so now..I can crave away and not have to worry. I do wish there was something that I could've done that was less permanent, but I know already that my body seems to hate every conventional birthcontrol out there. Anything with some sort of hormones in it would be bad for my body.... so here I am. Logically, I'm okay with the choice, but right now.. my head is feeling alittle crazy about it. Just the thought that my baby making factory is closed for good... it scares me fo some reason.

Now on another note...where am I? I am scared to death. Four children... I've been technically in debt since the first child... I feel like I'm being a bad parent for not having a lot of money. I try sooo hard to teach my kids things and parent them...take care of them... and sometimes I see where I fall short and it makes me cry. I know I'm not perfect... it's just damn... And all the other things that I stress about every day... kidnapping, accidents, their medical status, SIDS, drugs, ... omg, I'm freaking out just writing the stuff down. Like right now, I'm freaking out because it's like... I just managed to get Kalcypher past the age of SIDS... its crazy how many nights I wake up and put my hand on his chest to make sure he's breathing... all that stress gone with him... only to have to deal with it again with Khenedii.  I remember talking to God during the pregnancy.. I had this weird feeling that she wasn't going to make it to be born... I and said to God that if something happened to her...it would break me...seriously... I'm not a strong person to be able to manage that loss. I was reading about other mothers that lost their babies during the pregnancy and I cried so hard reading their stories... i don't know where they found the strength to carry on after that... Maybe if it did happen... I would be strong...but its not a theory I want to test. So now, I have to talk to God again, to please... keep her safe. Tony is surprisingly way more optimistic that I when it comes to things like that. He believes that she's a fighter (came out swinging and kicking) so she's way to strong to be a SIDS. I will try to be optimistic too. I had to be with TJ, Aeryk and Kalcypher...so i will have to be with her too... it's just a scary place right now. I guess if she was here right now, in my arms...then I'd feel differently...less scared.

I just have to wait for the morning to come when I can pick her up from the hospital and things will hopefully start feeling better.

i do have a few things to vent about before i get to the life updates...

back in high school, i was quiet and rather introverted. i had a small group of friends and that's pretty much all i dealt with. after i left high school, i didn't look back. all the people that were important to me, i kept in touch with and the 14 years that passed... well, high school, who?

LOL. But now with the invention of facebook, everyone from high school is trying to reconnect. at first, i almost fell for this. well lem'me change that... a had a few old friends contact me claiming that the remembered me and missed me... (wow, i didn't really think I made that kind of impact) so yeh, i'm happy cause these people got back in touch with me and now, yes we do chat...

but it recently got outta hand because on facebook, here comes all these people that (well i remember their names) want to reconnect, but when they do.... nothing. Just like high school, i'm faced with people that I know, but i don't associate with so I left with reading all about their connections and conversation with the other people that befriended me and aren't speaking. Jeez, I should cut all these people loose, now...

i guess i'm just finally getting tired of fake people and fake shit...

omg, and don't get me started on these weird-ass friends that only talk to me when I start the conversation.... i have to call them i have to chat with them...then they talk but I'm asking myself, why do I always have to start it? I guess this shit gets to me because when I am looking to avoid family issues and I go to friends for some...attention, well they are wrapped up in their own shit and don't have time for you...but omg, don't be wrapped in your own personal shit when they come calling...

Anywho, i will try and stop with the complaining for right now... i need to go into this new baby thing with a fresh mind. Not wishing anything bad, but i will be happy when this pregnancy is over cause I can see and feel how its changing me. The hormones have me evil and pissed at everybody...especially my own immediate family. My kids and the things they do are really started to get to me and I find myself as a cranky evil bitch of a person. My claws come out and I am fussing about every little thing they do. Granted it IS stuff that they should be discipline for, but previously, i was nice about it... now i'm enraged... And what's equally bothering me is the kids and their lack of using common sense...  the older one... i'm sorry for saying it but if everyone else has 2 cents to put in... he's working with 1. I don't know how to make a 10 year old act like a 10 year old; think like a 10 year old... it's just not there for him...and everyone around me believes that he's faking it for attention... possibly.. i don't know sometimes...

my best friend asked me that... jeez, i don't know? blogging? that's the best answer i could think of.

so i did want to create a year in review, but when i give it thought i realize that for a year packed with so much emotion, i don't think i can pull up all that and relive it for the sake of this blog. so oh well, i won't do it... besides, i believe i blogged enough during the year to give people an accurate account of things.

right now, i'm in limbo again. not quite happy, not quite unhappy...i just am. but as usual alot of this is fueled by my relationship...or at this pint lack of... so is this the point where I AM supposed to introduce the cheating? I am the one that always unhappy with things and i can't seem to get tony to physically relate to me anymore. we're chillin' on opposite sides of the earth and i don't think he really wants to commit like he says. i tell him that building a better and strong relationship between us is simple, but when i lay out the foundation, he clams up...just like TJ.  I really don't think that i can spend the rest of my life trying to dig out his feelings and trying to understand him ... i already got that problem with TJ and the only relieve i can manage to dream up about his situation is that TJ acts like he hates me so much that he's probably going to quickly move out when he's 18. Am I saying that i don't want my son around....no... i just wish that he would put forth more effort to growing up and stop treating me like the emeny because i want him to. Just like tony, he treats me like the emeny because i want him to commit more of himself to his family and he acts like that's too much of a request. but then when i quite asking, i'm damned again for giving up.

See, I don't openly talk about things like suicidal thoughts because i don't want anyone to take it too seriously, but i will admit that they are thoughts that have streaked across my brain once or twice. Reason being because I often feel trapped. What am I supposed to do? I want so much out of my family, my kids and husband... and I feel like I as the mother and wife should try to lead my family in a positive path...but when I try, I get beat down by them...over thrown... hated... resented... WTF!!!! I can't win for losing... and I can't lose for losing either...
Where am I supposed to go from here? I feel shut in and lock in a place where I can't move an inch without something or someone hurting me, stepping on my feelings and not even acknowledging it... if i complain...i'm wrong.  I blogged to a friend about suicide... and i told her that I could relate to the feelings of loneliness and abandonment by your friends and family when you're going through an emotional crisis and need support.

I hate limbo... because I go through both good and bad feelings and I don't know which ones to take seriously. Well on another note, i'm not going to pity-play about my friends, lack of, need of.... i found that I'm not the only one feeling lonely. and I'm not going to stress over money as much either... again, everyone is hurting...and it upsets me, but also makes me feel understood. I'm starting to come to a revelation that with the birth of my daughter....my family is complete...now it's time for me to start making plans with that completed family. I need to get things more organized and I need to start making those long term plans...without the concern that something (like another baby) is going to change things.

Oh boy...how do I manage?

i think the biggest frustration i am faced with... the biggest and most cruelest joke that the world can play on me...is to give me a family that doesn't seem to be able to work in cooperation of me.

I STAY frustrated and depressed because all i try to do is get a team of things going...and it can't happen because my family seems to be on a different wave length than I. And no matter what I do to try and get them to work with me or try to work with them... it never comes out that way.

Jeez, I thought that if I settled down, married, created a family...that it would create a life that is easier and more worth living. Unfortunately, I feel that the life I have is so complex, hard, frustrating, and depressing at times. It is always so hard for me to do the things that I want and to have the things that I want for my family. I don't know which way to turn to get my life and the lives of my family heading in a direction of success and happiness. I also stay confused seeing as though it was my belief that my goals were never that serious, never that involved, ...simple. But for some reason, life.. and the attitudes of family seem hell-bent on trying to work against what i think is successful. And to add insult to injury the go against me as if my intentions are done as some sort of tear down.

How can I get anything successful if everyone in my immediate family has a seperate agenda that continuous goes against the well-being of the family?

wow, a new year... its been awhile since i updated this place. mainly because i can't get my thoughts together. there's so much going on and then there's so much that's happened in the past year ...i want to do the year in review but i can't get it together.

normally i used this place as a stress reliever but right now i feel so stressed, i can't think. I will try...

right now, i'm keyed up. i prepared myself for stress. for a complete financial, job, life and love melt down...but it didn't really happen. so now i don't know what to do with all that pinned up energy. I've been blaming pregnancy hormones...

Relationship wise... i'm still bouncing back and forth with how i feel. I don't know how to explain it... sometimes I'm very happy with Tony..then there's days that he does things and i really feel like he's hiding stuff from me... another relationship? his feelings? some sort of plan? i'm worried but then I don't know why i'm worried... well yes i do.. i'm afraid of being a fool or made a fool of ... like if tony was cheating...then i'd feel stupid because it was like...duh, didn't you see it? i already found out that he's been hiding his feelings from me under the believe that i wouldn't 'understand'...how when giving the opportunity to tell those feelings...they come out as lies about me and our relationship...so i end up being hated by people that want to 'protect' him from me. What the hell does he want from me? cause i learn the truth.. the truth that hurts me.. i tell him and i threaten to leave..( i mean if he hates me like that..then damn, i need to go), but then it's like ...no don't go! But I can't stay around treatment like that... I end up always being the one that gets hurt. Even now, i feel like there should be more control over things like his comings and goings. When he's late from work..what does it mean? I truly feel like he's not telling me the truth about stuff. I want to believe that maybe he doesn't think about these things like i do...that a late night really is traffic or a missed phone call really is a dead battery or left phone in the car... but it stresses me. Here it is, 11:30pm....he was supposed to get off work at 9pm, I call him and his background doesn't sound like a man driving home, it sounds like a man at someone's house or still at work. It bothers me that he would willingly lie about it. It's bothers me.

Work... omg, where do i begin. I think work is making me so frustrated the most is that my boss started off as a cool dude. But ends up being this... assmunch... lol. That's the best i can think of right now. To talk about it would frustrate me even more because his actions don't make sense. I hate it when I get in a situation where I can't understand or explain the craziness that people do. I know that I'm not going to understand everything and everybody, but that doesn't make the situation and less...stressful. In the end, I don't know if I am fired or what? And the fact that he hasn't even given me the common courtesy of calling me and telling me something...I'm lost.

About the pregnancy... i'm starting to feel depressed about it. I'm still happy about experiencing it and  having my daughter, but I'm depressed because I feel like I'm being turned into just some lifeless vessel that's just carrying the baby... the doctors don't stop to make sure that my feelings are okay. It's like screw you, it's about the baby. Getting poked, tested, scanned, ordered to take meds that don't agree with me...and i know my body and how i react to stuff but so what... They don't really talk to you and see how YOU are doing..you're measured by your blood pressure, size, urine, and ultrasound... me even more so by my blood pressure...  All these meds.... jeez. And all this stuff is supposed to make me feel better...yeh right... i feel worse.

I am afraid to say out loud that I'm alittle tired of being pregnant because the powers-that-be take that shit to literal and cause me to have a preemie. I'm not tired o being pregnant, I'm tired of the people around me that forget that I'm still human..... on the good side... i have positive visions of having a daughter. i'm a little scared at the idea of 4 children... wow.. but it's so normal to me now..

Then there's the finances. The link to tony because he's the only other person working. Again what bothers me is that he's like devoted his life to this tattoo shop and refuses to listen to me in regards to what it is doing to this family. That place can sustain his whole family yet he chooses to stay there... and i say that its a very selfish thing to do. If I were to jump back to the relationship conversation...i tend to think that if Tony finds it okay to force his lifestyle on everyone without concern for what its doing to me and the family, then I should be allowed to do the same. If I get up and walk away... can I really be wrong? If I choose career over family... and force him to have to be the mom...am I wrong? Financial we are back in the same place we were in last year. Behind on everything. Am I wrong to want to leave my husband for the sake of being tired of being evicted from houses? Being sued for bills? Have cut off notice after cut off notice mailed to me because he won't up his game about work. What's funny...i didn't even ask him to quit. I suggested that he find a second job that can compensate...but he won't even do that. I might be reading too much into this..but its making me feel so unloved. To have to fight with him on everything...he doesn't think that he has any say in his life with the family yet he doesn't see that he is controlling it.

I need a break! I've reached the point were my heart is rather numb about all this. Soon, I'm going to stop caring all way around.

okay, i just gotta rant on this really quick. i'm probably going to do a long story/blog thing to explain the full extent of the issues...but i'm PO'ed.

I'm tired of trying to get this Kawaii Kosplayers thing together and being snubbed by voice actors that claim to be interested in it, only when it comes down to really working with them, they treat me like some stupid stalker fan and ignore me! I mean DAMN, nobody is holding a gun to their heads, I remember asking Eric Stuart if he was interested and he respectfully declined....no harm, no problem... but over the course of the passed 3 years that I've been trying to do this, I've been treated poorly... So FUCK IT, I quit.

I was trying to promote something cool and fun that I thought would have also helped their careers in promoting them (the actor) not just the character. As of now, I can name 9 people...9 ACTORS that I contacted, emailed and asked...and they all said they were interested. Then I do the friggin work and come back to them...professional and respectfully and they don't have the common courtesy to acknowledge that we conversed ... some don't answer me back, and others pretend to be friendly but still snub me in the end...

If this is the way these people act and treat others that they are supposed to be working with, then screw it, I'm quickly losing my interest in their professions and losing interest in supporting them!!!  It doesn't make sense...

I have NEVER been rude, pushy, disrespectful, or nosy... I don't pry into personal information and I don't hown them about anything (the stupid fan stuff, autographs, etc) I just day here is a picture... and from that I get... dissed!!

i said that to tony today... it was a new idea/thought that popped in my head about my current situation and what causes the majority of my depression. My birthday rant for this year is that i'm not wanted, just needed.

what's the difference? to be wanted...meaning essentially that people are willing to get up off their ass and do something to actually show that you give a rat-ass that you care. Even if it's small, a phone call, a message, a gift, or a card. And not just for birthdays and holidays, I mean anytime to make someone else feel special. I was reflecting today, and realized that the number of people that do that for me...i can count on one hand. And not so much as the number, then who is what surprises me... The people that for the longest, I thought were special...don't see me in the same light. That's alittle depressing.

Now on the note of my Bday and Christmas, yeh it is a big reminder of this. Last year I broke my ass to put together some cards for these people and it just surprised me how many of them just went on their merry ways... no return card, no phone call, no thank yous... damn! Not even an acknowledgement that they received it okay in the mail. It hurts because its basically a wake up call for all those people that i thought i was important to. I look back i realize the one-sidedness of our relationships and how everytime i extend myself, they don't respond. And it scares me to think that if I were to drop off the face of the earth, to them, it probably wouldn't make a difference.

Now on the other hand, oh sure, I'm needed. I'm needed to be mommy, i'm needed to be wifey, i'm needed to be the ear that listens to my mom and my grandma complain about each other. I'm needed to do my work on my job, take their crap and not complain. I'm needed to be that friend that is their when you happen to hop on facebook or myspace and are looking for people to listen to you. I'm needed to be just another fan that buys your stuff or watches your movies but not important enough for you to remember my name. I'm needed to cheer on all the special things in your life while you forget about mine...  The question is, if I didn't do all this... would I still be as important? The answer is surprising... for many, I tested it and didn't like the results.

Well every year, I do the same thing... I complain about what did happen for me the current year, and plan out what i want to change in the next....with the funny irony being that I don't change anything. I've hit that block that the only 2 things that would really change my status are death or being a millionaire... I would rather the millionaire one...but who knows...

Then the next thought is that if i have to beg or guilt trip anyone into being a better friend, then hmmm... i don't think it's worth it. Well i'm guessing that the best solution is to just let those unproductive friendships die off. Stop allowing myself to get hurt thinking that i'm important and then when it comes down to seeing if I am... I realize hard that I am not. Complaining about it seems kinda junior high school to me... (but stemming from someone that didn't have alot of friends in high school, I never got the priviledge of the drama..lol)

i understand that quality not quantity is supposed to be the most in important, but hey...isn't that just something friendless people say? lol. i would love to have more people around that care enough to make sure that i am happy... but i wonder if that's a birthday wish that's a little too much.

wow, where do i begin...

probably with what bothering me. I had a nightmare dental visit from hell earlier this week. I'm not proud to say it, but I was one of those people that after a bad dental experience a long time ago, i stopped going for awhile. thankfully my teeth didn't suffer too bad, but there was stuff that needed to be fix. for the longest time, i avoided going not because a fear of pain, but because i was trying to avoid the lecture that dentist all feel they have to lay on you. so massive guilt trip? (honestly, i gotta ask, why is it, of all the medical professions out there, dentist are the only ones that are extremely judgmental, arrogant, and self-righteous to the point that they feel they can lecture you about your dental care? i understand wanting to info the patient about proper oral care, but the way they do it.... well when's the last time you went to a plastic surgeon requesting a little facial work and he says to you ' damn if you'd spent 5 minutes a day moisturizing and using some acne clear on your face, you wouldn't be so fuckin' ugly right now!') anywho i finally got up the nerve to go to a new dentist back in september and i was pleasantly surprised. i found a nice dentist that didn't lecture me, listened to me, and actually talked to me about my situation and care. I thought i was in heaven.

now i had scheduled a series of appointments to fix minor stuff with the major appointments being for after i drop baby. I have to have my wisdoms pulled and a couple of other ones in the back pulled but that's a bigger visit and bigger payment for another time. i had a big appointment scheduled for this past wednesday to fix a couple of surface cavities in the front. originally she told me to take a second and discuss the treatment with my ob doctors to make sure that the pain killers and everything was acceptable to my ob care. so i took a month... with my ob doctors in agreement, i was ready to get the fronts fixed. i go there wednesday looking for her... i get all prepped and surprisingly she's not there. i get this old East Indian dude that looks at me like i'm some kinda weird alien....(omg, it's a black pregnant women, wtf is that?) then he starts in asking all these crazy questions, but not letting me get in a word edgewise... he's loud and pretty much starts broadcasting everything in my file and everything about my teeth to the whole office. He doesn't listen to me when i tell him that my ob docs are allowing me to get pain killer and so he decides to fill the cavities with it. He doesn't listen to me about the sensitive tooth i have in the back that is irritated by cold water. He spent the whole time filling my teeth forcing me to look in the mirror complaining that if I had cared the wouldn't look that that. and that i should be thankful for his help...blah blah blah... it was just an all over upsetting experience and when i left there, all i wanted to do was cry. he was the very reason i had avoided dentist for all that time. so now, after thinking about it, i decided not to go back there.


moving right along, i'm back to square one again with TJ. I've come to that dreaded point where the teachers are all giving up and leave me to solve the problems. They all start off treating me like I'm crazy for trying to look for a solution. Like all he needs is 'love' and 'attention.' But now they are giving up and dropping him back in my lap. I gotta find a doctor that will actually give me a diagnosis for him. He's not doing his work and slacking on classwork so now the teachers want to give up. I rally hate teachers like that. The start of with this, 'peace and love' attitude only to get frustrated and give up so quickly. Above all, right now, TJ needs teachers that can maintain consistancy with his lessons. I guess I am going to have to put him on meds because that seems to be to only way right now to get him to focus. However, I am really hating all these self-righteous folks that want to complain about the use of meds and therapy for children.. but they are the first to criticize when your 10 year old child can't read or add. Why is that? Maybe because he's sooo unfocused (not being medicated) that he can't focus in class long enough to learn the stuff he needs to learn. Unfortunately, people will never understand what the parent of a mentally ill or academically challenged student goes through unless they go through it themselves. I gotta put my mom in that category because for about 8 years she was fighting me tooth and nail about the care of my son. Now she's in the situation to have to care for someone with a mental illness and she is truly beginning to see the game!

Fighting with Tony again! I knew it wouldn't last. The argument as usual is about money. I want to work together to make more, but he is constantly fighting me on the efforts that are needed to do it. Like he's blissfully happy in his poverty as long as he doesn't have to deal with it. And me.... I'm beginning to scare me! I've alway had depressive feelings, but right now, being pregnant, all those feelings are triple-fold. Deep, disturbing, and well...destructive feelings that I have to fight to control. I don't need that kind of stress. I really want to get my finances in order, but I can't do that as long as I am living paycheck to paycheck. My jobs are slacking up and now I'm paranoid that the economic crisis is going to try and creep in my house. It's making me irritable that Tony has all this talent and ability and is ...wasting it on a place that might be appreciative, but is not pulling enough to get him paid to take care of his family. And he's sooo in love with the place, he acts like he can't see that. I really believe that he is pressed enough to allow his family to break up before he quits that job.

Finally, i'm slowly coming around to that positive place where I am accepting that another baby will be in the house. Sounds crazy I know, but its hard to be positive when everywhere you look there are these stories about women miscarrying and delivering so early for their babies to live. I'm scared. I'm trying to have faith in the meds and shots...cause i would really like to be able to have a term baby that i can take home with me. Wow, it's like having a party with presents and you want to make sure that you can take you gift home with ya! Well we'll see. She's health now and extremely active...so that's a plus... I just gotta convince my body to keep her in there until she's done cookin'...lol

this might sound pathetic, but of everything happening right now, my biggest happiness seems to come from doing random glucose tests and getting normal readings...lol. It's making me think back about being in the hospital...man sometimes, nurses and doctors piss me off.

Especially the ones that don't know what they are talking about. While in the hospital, i had to spend a week as a diabetic...if you are not one...it is not fun! What i hated was that they nurses were not following the procedures correctly as to when they were supposed to check my blood sugar levels. For gestational diabetes, check 2 hours after you eat... they checked 1 hour after I ate. The bad thing was that one hour after I ate, my BS levels were around 90-120. I remember one nurse inparticular telling me that the 120 was bad. ARE YOU SHITTING ME?! for one hour after you eat...? My mother is a diabetic and when I told her those numbers she was actually happy. She told me those numbers were great...especially for someone like me that has 2 parents that are diabetics. The gave me an A1C test and I remember that my result was a 5.6%....diabetics have about a 7-9%... that was a good number according to the nutritionist...but my overworked doctor says ...oh yeh that's high... Again, my mom was like..that's a great number, you are not diabetic...

Just recently, being pregnant again, I am spooked for having to go through anything like that again so I've been randomly testing myself. Like a minute ago, I tested having not eatten in 2 hours...my number was 78. That's low, I need to eat. A couple of days ago I checked one hour after I ate McDonalds.. my number was 116. I checked WebMD and it stated that a good glucose number for a non-diabetic is the low 100s to mid one hundreds. A diabetic would have 200 or more. I pray this time around that my doctors know what they are talking about....jeez!

Again, just another situation of people that think they know me and don't! Anywho... life other than that seems okay... however there are still a few things bugging me. Like I'm beginning to suspect that my oldest has a learning disability with his memory. For the longest, he's acted like he can't remember things and because it looked selective to me...i didn't want to believe it was a real problem, but if he does have this kind of problem, well it would explain a lot. I'm thinking about starting child ssi benefits for him and getting him in the system. Ever since the school listed TJ's problem as a disability, it got me thinking. Despite what TJ is diagnoses with, its going to be there for the rest of his life, so I might as well get him situated.

in my last post, i complained about an issue with tony in regards to IM messages he had with another woman. these messages were hot, heavy and deep and in my opinion they resulted in this woman (this married woman) falling in love with my husband. the situation got ugly, went bad for him and he ended up dumping the habit of flirting online. So it's been months since that incident but I happen upon those conversations. i'm upset about them for several reasons, some i stated before, but as time passes i find that its very hard for me to let go. the conversations had things that i miss from our relationship, negative things that sound and feel to me like tony's real feelings, intimate talks that sound like he was really trying to cheap and leave our relationship. There are a few more things, but for now, I feel myself addicted to reading these old IMs between him and her... and I know that its a negative thing on my stress.

I talk, yell, argue, and go silent with Tony discussing this problem and despite his body language, his words say that he is apologetic and wants to stay with me.  I told him that it was going to take me time to get over this as that it really broke my heart to hear/read that kind of stuff from someone that I thought loved me and wanted to be with me. I'm trying to get over it, but I can't... every day, few hours..i'm thinking about it and i feel sad. i don't know what to say to him to make things better...

what do i do to feel better? will i ever?

Well, things are starting to get weird...

Why do I say that? Because things are changing. ..for the better. Freaky! After the issues with Tony and the messages, I was still PO'ed from the whole experience. There was one thing that bugged me that I couldn't heal until I handled. The girl that he had had those messages with tried to contact him at the end of Sept. Tony had told me that he was trying to stop that behavior but it was my opinion that if she continued to try and contact him, then the activity would continue. So I sent her a little message essentially telling her to back off.

I was alittle surprised at the result. It kinda confirmed my suspicions about how she felt about him because despite the fact that I asked her NOT to contact him, she still did to tell him that I contacted her. Then her response to me was one like she was the other woman that was madly in love with Tony and had to shield him from the evil demonic wifey. She was defensive in her answer and acted like I didn't even knoe my own husband. I spent the day explaining to her my husband and the situation that resulted in there so called affair... (internet or otherwise). End result was, I guess her getting frustrated with my answers and giving up. It seemed that she was mad at the fact that tony was still with me and possibly loved me more? And she calls herself his friend? Would a friend really be trying to tear apart a marriage?

Anywho, I get the situation is over, however I hate the way that Tony is constantly trying to swept it under the rug and to force me to stop talking about it. I agree, it is time to let it go, but to get over it, I have to talk it out to get it out. Well 3 weeks and counting, tony is still trying to act like husband and father of the year. He started adjusting his schedule at work possibly because he realized, what I've been saying that it's not bringing him any money. I can't lose another house and I can't continue to go through these serious financial troubles. Plus i guess my increasing medical problems are probably scaring him more than he's letting on.  This morning, he started the clothes in the washing machine and took care of the baby without being told...WTF? The other day he washed ALL the dishes in the sink and dishwasher and was proud of it...but he did it during the day while I was at work...again without being told. And he actually did something I asked him to do... I asked him to change out the water in the turtle tank, I job that we both hate! I came home and it was done, no forgetting, no excuses...just done.

This is going to sound stupid, but I'm a little confused. I'm soo used to things not going right or not going my way that I don't know what to think. I want to be positive and believe that all this can be the new way. I can only hope.

So, on another note... I saw my nightmare standing in front of me today. I met a mother the other day when we were out trick-or-treating. She's nice and I relate to her on a lot of levels. She had 4 children and she's the opposite because she has 3 girls and one boy. Well she was telling me about he problem son and it really got to me. Today she called me in to watch her girls because the boy had disappeared and there was no one to watch them. I did despite the headache it gave me. No offense, just a bunch of kids running through the house can give anyone a headache. Well after work, she comes to my house to get the girls and the boy is with her. I prepared myself to meet this 'monster' she was complaining about and to my surprise, it was an old version of TJ. This child is 14 and apparently has all the impulsive, hyper, devious habits as TJ...even scarier is that he is just as charming and nice at the first meeting as TJ likes to act. But one better, in my opinion because she is a single parent, her son is the version of TJ that I was and is afraid of happening if Tony wasn't in the picture. I know that right now, TJ is afraid of both me and tony, but what worries me is that when he gets older he will begin to lose his sense of respect for us and its only that fear that might be able to keep him in check. Its sad to have to raise him like that, but its been that way for years and I doubt its going to change. 

I was just thinking, despite how crazy the day was, I guess misery loves company. Its those little connections that we make with people that really make you feel human. I hate it when I get around people that make me feel like a bad parent. My children are not the best behaved souls in the universe and it bugs me alot...not just because of what people think, but just for me. I know how I want them to be and when they're not,...grrrrr. But i feel normal when I am around someone whose children act just like mine. This woman, her girls were just as hyper and all-over-the-place like my boys...they actually completed each other. I laugh to myself right now when I think about how I was trying to talk to her and her oldest daughter kept butting into the conversation and talking over us. It's an annoying habit that TJ has but its interesting to me my reaction when another child does it. I guess I'm soo used to it, it didn't phaze me. I realized that it was going to be impossible to run a tight ship so I let go and just handled what I could handle... and I got through the night. pain free... And finally, that's what I like...I don't want to be taken advantage of, but I do like being able to help people. I totally understand the situation of not having any help when you need it. So it made me feel good to be able to help her in a pinch. No, I'm not trying to be better than anyone or show off, I just sometimes feel like my calling is to support others....if that makes sense... and it hurts my soul when that help his disrespected and thrown back in my face.

My mind is running randomly know, but another thought just came into my head. I am really praying for this baby. Its a normal feeling I guess because I've felt it with each baby... a scared feeling that something is going to go wrong. Funny thing is that we did survive some very serious events so I really should be scared. God got me through it. I think I'm afraid of running into a situation where me and God don't agree. Don't get me wrong, I don't and would never disrespect my maker. It's taken me a long time to get to the point of understanding that in God's wisdom of taking care of me, a lot of things will happen that I won't understand, but after I get through it, it will all come together. I'm afraid that God's decision might one day be to take one of my babies away for whatever reason. For me, I know that it will be something that I don't think I would be able to recover from. What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger? Guess what, it would kill me!!! I have gotten to know this baby and despite the fact that its a girl... I don't care what it is, I'm attached now and can't let go. 

wow, where do i begin...

probably with the medical stuff.  So when i first met my OB, I asked her why was I constantly having preemies. Last week, she gave me my answer. Apparently, I suffer from a genetic vitamin difficiency that prevents me from being able to process folic acid. To combat this problem (during pregnancy, i'm supposed to free-base massive amounts of B6 and B12 vitamins. I thought that was the end of it until today when my perinalogist explained it in more detail... its essentially a blood clotting problem. I create blood clots and can't process them...so yeh, you guessed it...i can kick out a blood clot in my lung, heart or brain and die...at any time.  It's a wake up call! I will probably be on vitamins and aspirin therapy for the rest of my life...  It's adds a little bit of concern because I do and always have had high blood pressure. I know it's stress related but with everthing that i've been going through..stress is my BFF. Each day that passes, I either don't feel different or it's on my mind heavily. With my great aunt passing from a heart attack, it's in my face more and more.

now the funny thing is that in my opinion, the diagnosis had caused tony to start acting different. funny how men are sooo visual. i guess him actually hearing from a doctor (3 doctors really) about his wife's possible fate put him in a nervous mode. he's trying to kick himself in gear about being better at home... well that and the past argument we had about his internet relationships...

 

So anyway, knowing that that situation is a blood pressure raiser and stress maker...he now knows that if I kill over from a heart attack or stroke, it's probably going to be his fault...it think that scared him.... alot.

Add to it, my son's issues with ..everything and trying to get the schooling and therapy straight, its a wonder I haven't croked already! Well I know that this is last baby for me and I am at least happy that its a girl and that I can finally have one. AFter this pregnancy, I will get on the ball about my health and hopefully I can find a way to control my stress.  --but i still have 4 teenages to deal with so we shall see.

So, how do you tell some one older than you that they are being rude? Or better yet, that they don't have good manners?

My latest landlord...geez, I have so many. I really want this to work out because I and truly dead set about this place being my last rental before I purchase my first house. So I'm going to have to get along with this guy for a couple of years. It's just that ...well first off, he's creepy as hell. His personality seems to be one of those people that stands there and it like takes him 5 minutes to process whatever you say like he's translating it. Ha, maybe so...but it's creepy because it leads to those long silent and awkward moments. However that's not what's bugging me. What bugs me is that he has the habit of just showing up to the front door for whatever. I'm a normal person, I chill on my day off, bra-less, shoot sometimes pants-less, house a mess, dishes and stuff everywhere. I mean damn, I got 3 kids... it's an event to have  just a semi-clean house. so if someone is coming over, I like a warning, to at least put on a bra (my girls are big and you can tell when i don't have on a bra!) Plus like today because of a mis communication between me and tony (as usual) dude came over looking for the rent that I had already set up to be mailed to him from the bank. So I was completely blind-sided that he would just show up expecting it. He comes over and just like pushes his way in the door, no 'Hello' or 'Good Evening'... hell my momma told me that yolu don't enter a person's house (even if you do own it) without an invitation and a greeting...so it's very rude to me...and this is his third time doing it.

Besides that everything else seems okay. I have some friends that are acting weird on me. Now I know that the world doesn't revolve around me and that yeh, they could be dealing with other stuff...it's just that I do have a lot of experience with people that get offended or catch a 'tude about something I may do or say and instead of being adult and telling me, they will hold it in and avoid me. That is sooo childish. But still I tried to communicate and it didn't work so I'm just going to hang back. If they're going through something, I made it known that I was there, but if it is something about me...what can I do? I'm not a mind reader...

so it's been a while, and despite all the things that have happened, it's been rather hard for me to gather my thoughts together and blog about how i feel....mainly because it changes from day to day.

First off one of my great aunt's passed last week. it's been a difficult struggle coming to terms with how i true feel about it. i haven't cried about it, eventhough she was close...and i probably will at the funeral. I haven't been too moved by it, but not from lack of love for her. it's been a while since i've truly seen her and been around her so i think i'm feeling the..outta-sight-outta mind thing. but i do feel a loss of her presence in the world and it does bother me that now i can't just go see her like i would want to.

i am a firm believer that all things do happen for a reason. for her, she was sick and going to be with the lord is the best medicine for anybody. meanwhile on earth, her passing has sent a ripple effect through the family and i guess it is true that you don't really know how much you're loved until you died. her death has brought my sister and i closer. it wasn't that we weren't close, but since she died, we've been talking more and i really appreciate that. it's also shed a light on a lot of the foolishness that's been going on with the seperation and segregation of the family members that i was talking about previously. we've been able to get together and put our differences aside to work towards laying her to rest. I even have been able to start my hobby back up on the ancestry.com thing and start gathering more family members to contribute information.

Josephine Cunningham 1936-2008. RIP....loved ya!

Now, back to me. Again pregnancy hormones running crazy and I have been moodier more and more. This new attitude led to me verbalizing my issues to tony and well.... yelling at him more and more. with good reason though. and surprisingly, i think he might be finally getting it. time will tell. we're currently fighting over some fo the dumbest stuff...who's going to work when...i mean honestly if the end result is money..should it matter?

I've been hearing some interesting stuff lately. my personal favorite is me been the center of conversations with some people...here i am with the weak esteem thinking that i am very low on the food chain...it perks my ears up some. and then with my aunt's death, it's really had me thinking about my place in people's lives. however i still have yet to be able to get with the hater thing. i know that i'm supposed to be able to hold my head high and believe that i must be doing something right when someone is hatin' on you because you're ... you...but it's hard. i never really felt that i was doing anything to make myself stand out to be hated. i've always been humble and quiet..fishing for people's approval.

i am living it one day at a time. trying desperately to keep those negative thoughts out of my head and be positive....easier said then done.

i was honest with tony last night. the question, why are we still together? my answer, originally i fell in love with him because he chose me. (Grey's Anatomy rant...Love Me, Choose Me...blah blah). He spoke up to me and told me how me felt and made me feel like I was his no. one choice. unfortunately in the 10 years to follow he hasn't made me feel that special and even sometimes makes me feel like there's someone else. (ha, while we're being honest, i honestly think that the other person tony is in love with is tony.) the final straw was the time that he talked bad about me to his friends...oh my wife isn't with me, we beefin'...blah blah... and it hurt at the time. the scary thing for me now is that when i really think about it, i don't care anymore. i used to be sooo worried about the possibility of him cheating or leaving...now i'm rather numb about the subject. if he stays fine, if he leaves fine.

i use to wonder how my mom could stand being alone for soo long. for a time i thought that i really needed tony...his presence, his spirit...now i shrug my shoulders and i'm like whatever. yeh that's bad.

however this numb feeling could also be pregnancy hormones...

oh don't get me wrong, it's not that i don't love him anymore... just i can breath without him too.

so, i have been without internet for a while and its killin me. but pirating is sooo fun.

Last week, the stress finally cracked me. I was very tired and very sick and even stopped eating. I got a little scared because it didn't feel like normal pregnancy food aversion but more like the depression i felt after Kal was born. I just don't want to eat. Logically i tell myself that its because everytime and everything I eat gives me a nasty taste that makes me ill for hours after...but no, i think its more. So on thursday, after being up all night and being really friggin tired, i pull myself into work. i get there late as usual and as soon as my co-worker opened the door to the office she said, ' omg are you alright?' i felt really embarrassed and i also felt like i was going to cry. i don't like people seeing me weak. then my boss comes out and says point blank, go home. according to her, its in my eyes. they look exhausted. so yeh, i left. but that's not where the story ends. i was REALLY tired. one of those, i don't trust myself to even be able to wake up tired... and so i was very very depressed. tony picked me up and i gotta admit that i was totally pissed at him. i had just recently had a discussion with him where i was trying to tell him that i really need his help more. and that being pregnant, i was going to need to take it easy cause i'm in the high risk category. so for that day, for him to tell me that him going to work was more important then watching the kids for the day so i could rest....if only for a little....i was pissed. the thing behind the story is that tony's talents are not married to his place of business...he can work anywhere...so it bugs me that he chooses to go way across town to a place and be gone 5 days a week for 12 or more hours a day...we never see him. coupled with the fact that he doesn't help around the house...it's like i might as well be a single parent. i try suggesting to him to work smarter and remember that he is also a parent and his presence is also needed at home sometimes. that was the very reason i went back to work in the first place...so he can not claim that he has to work so much to support the family. my income gives him an opportunity to relax a bit and fulfill his duties as daddy and hubby...but he won't take it and its pissing me off.

but honestly this isn't what i wanted to blog about.

Jump forward a few days. i rest, i argue, whatever. Sunday comes and we planned to go out to Ocean City. We got on the road rather late, but no biggy..we got there. I called Barb like mid way and told her that we were in the area and we would love to hook up so she told me to call her back after we were done enjoying the day and that we could go out to dinner.

So we get there, and its a nice relaxing time of walking the boardwalk, eating what i wanted and just taking in the sights. Barb called back about 6pm and met us on the beach. She got a chance to see Kal and the boys and we sat and had a good talk on the sand. Not a 'omg how's your famous son' conversation...eventhough he did come up once or twice...it was a cool, 'how's life and things' conversation. i feel really blessed that she genuinely takes an interest in our lifes and well-being.

So we went and ate at Dough Rollers... (OMG, the best grease pie pizza EVER!!!) It was a great dinner and outing with her. I got some pics with her... and after dinner she headed on back home...but said that we have to come back on a real vacation and stay longer to be able to do stuff.

After she left, we continued to walk the boardwalk, but this time heading back towards the car because it was getting cold. The vacation killer was that I had a terrible headache, but it believe it was more because of the atmosphere then anything. We got back in the car around 9 and headed back home. I feel bad cause we all fell asleep on tony driving. but we got home safely.

It was a great little one day trip. Yes, I would have loved for it to be longer, but i got my trip, my taffy, my fudge, and my bag of sand...lol.

  Okay, so it’s now Aug the 16^th and I managed to make it past the anniversary. Yeh, after some crying, depression, and complaining, I am back to myself..but honestly, I was hurt. I was some recognition damnit! It’s not like me to brag and boast about myself, I am quite the opposite…but right now (and this could by just hormones) I believe that I deserve something for all my time and effort of being a good wifey and mommy.

 

OMG, and the latest news… I still gotta laugh at myself.

 

… Uhm, pee on the stick, wait 2 minutes and …

 

Dang… looks like another ‘oops’ baby. (Hell all of them are oops babies- nothing is ever planned in my life, c’mon). It took me an extra minute to tell anyone about it because of the whole miscarriage thing. Also I am, at heart, a private person and I don’t always want to spread my news about. (Except on LJ…shameless LJ plug). I would be thrilled this time around if it wasn’t for the damn morning, noon, afternoon, and night sickness…geez!   But anyway, I am scared of having another preemie. As much as I am now an old pro and taking care of them, it doesn’t mean I want to have another one. A nice fullterm baby…like Aeryk…that is packaged and shipped home with me on the day I leave the hospital. Sweet! But before I can think delivery and going home, I gotta shake the fears of miscarriage and other problems. I’m just spooked. Every morning i wake up thinking...what if it stopped developing and mysteriously died and I won't know until my ultrasound? depressing.  

 

I’m starting to get a little worried. I’ve known this whole time that my client work would dry up in September, but facing it now is scaring me. I don't want to be in another scramble situation where I have to bounce checks or rob peter to pay paul (well back in the day I was robbing Paul and he's still sore about it). With the work, I feel like I'm finally getting some direction in my life with things and I don't want it to end. 

We all shall see how things go from now. I'm trying to be positive (but I'm O positive..bwahaa)...

so... i stand here at my 10 year anniversary thinking... maybe i should have taken the blue pill? perhaps my life would have been a little better if i decided against a few things. one being...getting married?

my philosophy of this is because it seems that every year since i got married has been nothing but a forgotten and uneventful day. no parties, no cards, no kind words, no celebrations, or nights out on the town. its been nothing but hardship and shame. i can't even get my husband to remember the day let alone get anyone else in the world to notice it. 

it's not one of those things where i'm deeply upset of my decision, but i will admit that if i had a choice to go back and change things... i would. there are several things that i would had stood up for...before i got into a marriage. perhaps then, i wouldn't become broken. i found that over the years, instead of it being me celebrating the development of a great force, we have done nothing but worked in opposition. a lot of this resulting in me giving up on what i held special to satisfy people that have no sense of respect for precious things.  i don't like the results. i really don't like what i've become. and i'm really hating my choices. 


hmmm, i'm probably going to spend the day, depressed as  usual that i can't get anything going my way.  happy friggin' anniversary...for whatever its worth now.